It has been a long year of journeying. I am tired and the mountain air grows thin the closer I get to the summit. As my brain cries out for oxygen, the world I once knew slips away.Continue reading
There is a storm out in the bay, stirring up the sea. The water is multicoloured – brown from sediment, blue from the sun, and black under the clouds. There is also a storm raging in me, and the waters are just as murky, dark and rough.
Just like the sea, there is a shadow in my mind. I can’t see the cloud that is creating it, but I feel the cold as it blocks out the sun and sends a shiver down my spine. Like the black patches on the stormy waters, you don’t need to see the cloud that creates it to know that it is there.
I look up to see the cause of my shadow only to have that cloud vanish, yet I feel its effects throughout my life. The idea that this horror was part of my life is unbearable. That an act of such violation and degradation could be part of my experience is beyond me.
But how do you fight a shadow? I lunge at it and I go straight through it. I cannot cut it away, shatter it, or even grasp it. The event has long passed and all that remains is this remnant, and the opportunity to fight is gone. It is hidden away in the attic, leaving a beautiful lie so that my mind can continue in perfect denial.
I see the trail of pain left behind by this. I am fearful that it may affect the decisions I make today, so I have hit the pause button on areas of my life.
The question is: how do you move past something that can’t be seen, but that has been simmering away for most of your life?
This is not something I want to define my future. Life is too short and precious to dwell on such a negative energy.
Maybe it is as simple as facing the shadow, blessing it and embracing it? Can I love this shadow? Can I soothe this shadow? Can I give it the comfort it needed on that fateful night? And when I have poured out all the love in my heart, can I release it into the care of the angels who will transform it from lead into gold?
Can I calm the storm and stop myself from drowning? Will the clouds part and turn the waters blue again? I cannot know the answers to these questions until I return from the fold.
So today I walk boldly into the shadows, and pray that the angels and their alchemist are at my side…
My best friend’s heart broke on the weekend. I watched as he was airlifted from our small town to the city hospital to save it, and to save him.
Now I’ve been through a lot over the last year, and if there is one thing I have learnt is that when the universe throws you a curve-ball, the only way to hit the thing is to shut your eyes, trust and swing the damn bat as hard as you can. But it is tough to come out swinging as you sit for three long hours while your friend is undergoing emergency surgery on his heart, not knowing if he is okay or not.
What did I do? I took photos of the television. Yip! As you do in a crisis. If it helps to explain, I also took photos of my cat and my giant teddy bear. Nope, that doesn’t really make it any better, does it?
When life defies reason and understanding, there is force that takes us by the hand and if we follow, it will take us out of the woods. I followed that part, mainly because it was either that or wallow in a bag of potato chips.
Let me explain… I had a lovely piece of relaxing music playing on YouTube. Ironically, I now see that it was 3 hours long – just the length of time I needed. Anyway, it had pictures of beautiful birds on it, and my buddy is an avid nature photographer. I sat there taking photos of the most beautiful bird pictures that crossed the screen, and since then I’ve been drip feeding those images to him in hospital, to feed that part of his soul.
Oh, and a picture of my silly cat flopped over the back of a chair. One can never fail with a cute cat pic!
Why did I do this? Why was it the right thing to do? Because instead of focusing on the worse possible outcome, I was able to shift my mind onto an image of a future I preferred – one where he was out of surgery, recovering, and enjoying the fun photos I took for him.
Did it help his outcome? Who knows! But it certainly helped me and now he is getting cute pics during his recovery.
Now we are four days on. He is stable, but my world is not. Something that big cannot help but send ripples out into the universe – through loved ones and into the future. In the wee hours of the night my mind cannot fix the cold hard consequences of this event.
So, my big question is: When a heart breaks, what else breaks apart? I suppose only time will tell…
It is easy to whisper your deepest feelings to the dark – when you wake they are but a will-o’-the-wisp. The night will not share your secrets or break your heart. Continue reading
We only met yesterday,
But I’ve known you through many lifetimes. Continue reading
There are times in life when you have to leave things behind. There are times when you have to let go of what went before, and clear the slate for new and better things. This is one of those times.
Why is it that we deny ourselves the life of our dreams? Why is it that we watch opportunities pass us by that could make us happy? Why is it that we sit back and let others instead have the glory, wealth and success that we so dearly want for ourselves? Continue reading
I recently read a book written by a friend of mine. It was hilarious and addictive, with dogs, cats and concussed hamsters, but it was more than that – it reignited my faith in books again! Continue reading
It’s the hardest thing to come face to face with the ruins of your life. It can be easier to just stow them away in an attic and close the door. But this doesn’t deal with them. This doesn’t shine a light on the devastation. It does not allow you to dust them off, hold them with love, and let them go. Continue reading
Some days are tough. Some days you realise you shouldn’t have got out of bed. Some days will bring you to your knees.
Today I was on my knees. Continue reading