There is a storm out in the bay, stirring up the sea. The water is multicoloured – brown from sediment, blue from the sun, and black under the clouds. There is also a storm raging in me, and the waters are just as murky, dark and rough.
Just like the sea, there is a shadow in my mind. I can’t see the cloud that is creating it, but I feel the cold as it blocks out the sun and sends a shiver down my spine. Like the black patches on the stormy waters, you don’t need to see the cloud that creates it to know that it is there.
I look up to see the cause of my shadow only to have that cloud vanish, yet I feel its effects throughout my life. The idea that this horror was part of my life is unbearable. That an act of such violation and degradation could be part of my experience is beyond me.
But how do you fight a shadow? I lunge at it and I go straight through it. I cannot cut it away, shatter it, or even grasp it. The event has long passed and all that remains is this remnant, and the opportunity to fight is gone. It is hidden away in the attic, leaving a beautiful lie so that my mind can continue in perfect denial.
I see the trail of pain left behind by this. I am fearful that it may affect the decisions I make today, so I have hit the pause button on areas of my life.
The question is: how do you move past something that can’t be seen, but that has been simmering away for most of your life?
This is not something I want to define my future. Life is too short and precious to dwell on such a negative energy.
Maybe it is as simple as facing the shadow, blessing it and embracing it? Can I love this shadow? Can I soothe this shadow? Can I give it the comfort it needed on that fateful night? And when I have poured out all the love in my heart, can I release it into the care of the angels who will transform it from lead into gold?
Can I calm the storm and stop myself from drowning? Will the clouds part and turn the waters blue again? I cannot know the answers to these questions until I return from the fold.
So today I walk boldly into the shadows, and pray that the angels and their alchemist are at my side…