Why is it that we deny ourselves the life of our dreams? Why is it that we watch opportunities pass us by that could make us happy? Why is it that we sit back and let others instead have the glory, wealth and success that we so dearly want for ourselves?
I can’t speak for any of you, but I know why I do it. Because of a lack of confidence and an excess of fear.
I know a lot of women, like me, who won’t take on something big (like a job promotion or invitation to speak to others) unless they feel like they KNOW all about it and can DO everything associated with it. While I know many men (God bless their gutsy little souls) who would take these things on in a heartbeat even if they hardly knew anything about it. Honestly, they could have a 15 minute chat with their mates at the pub on the topic and consider themselves experts.
There is also a part of me that does not have the confidence and faith in myself to do big things. It’s not like I’m a weak person – I love change and I’m a gutsy, strong girl, but in relation to some things I just crumble. There is a deep, ingrained sense that maybe I have to be a different person to achieve some things. That I don’t have what it takes.
And the thing I don’t have? Well, I’m not a man. There it is!! I’ve said it!
I’m emotional, a bit of a softy, often a pushover, and I find it hard to detach from things. But in the same breath I can tell you that I don’t see why I should have to mould myself into someone different just because I work in a career dominated by men. Why are my female characteristics somehow considered less than those of my male counterparts? Why is it that “different” seems to be synonymous with “wrong” in this world?
I mean seriously, just because I can’t burp the alphabet, know how to cook and understand that the true function of a tea towel lies beyond wiping your face, how does this make me any less? I see and sense things around me and in other people that many men are oblivious to. I have empathy, understanding and I’m a good listener. On top of that, I’m just as good at my job as the men around me, often better, and have had to work twice as hard to overcome the obstacles of sexual harassment and jealousy from less qualified men. And let’s face it, I’ve done all of this on less pay and with no wife at home to support me.
When I write all this down it seems so crazy, but in reality, it can be just so damn hard.
On top of this, there is fear too. I’m not that scared of failure, although that would suck a bit. But I’m afraid of success, because in my experience and world view, this can mean a loss of love. Do I want to embrace success and forfeit love? Are there really men out there who can truly love a woman BECAUSE of her strength and success, not IN SPITE of it?
Many men say they can love strong, smart women, but the reality can be hard on their egos. Men are brought up as providers (which is lovely) but I have seen the struggle men go through coming to grips with their partners making more money than them.
So, here I am, faced with a big opportunity, but also faced with the possible loss of both myself and love. How does one choose between these things? More importantly, why is it that I must make this choice as a woman, while a man would not, in the same situation?
Are we women really destined to live out lives of untouched dreams, lost opportunities and crushed spirits?
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
Wendy Maddison (Writer) 
You lose neither..when they are real..real love has no conditions..and to be in your True Nature, there can be no loss…
Great post Wendy..Namaste
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Thank you for that. I really needed to hear that! That helps me a lot! Very wise words! ❤ I hope you are safe and well in this crazy time. New Zealand is in complete lock down tonight, even though the virus is in its early stages here. We are lucky to be here!
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If a man loves someone for who they are then it doesn’t matter if they are strong and smart or not, they will support them and help push them to where they need to be just as some women do for the man in their lives.
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Hi Wendy. We all need to make choices and men need to get over themselves and allow women to make the choices they need to make. I twice turned down moves and promotions in my career, because it would have taken away my wife’s work opportunities and her family and support group. I did this gladly, out of love. I recently watched the old boys’ club at work when my daughter in law was one of the small group of only 15% of woman engineers to achieve her P.Eng (completed even with a brain injury) only to have her professional work group (both men and women) stand in the way of her achieving her full potential. As a man, I was angry that this S— is still going on. Good luck on your choices and achieving your dreams. Hope all is well in your part of the world. Allan
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Thanks Allan. It gives me so much hope that there are men like you out there that feel the same way, and actually act on them too. Your wife must be very grateful and I’m so impressed that you are setting this sort of example for other men, as well as other women. We often don’t even realise that we can ask for these sorts of acts from our partners. I’m so sorry about your daughter. I can totally relate. My field is engineering/land surveying, and the sexism has been an ongoing and tiring issue. I wish her the best of luck. Please tell her she is not alone and that it IS NOT HER that is the problem!!
My warmest regards to you Allan 😁
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We are living in constant duality. Being comfortable with duality is something that we should embrace. It is all right to look at yourself with your own brilliance and also with your own insecurities. I believe that there are a certain vitality and energy that exist when you operate in a state of creative flow, and that creative expression is very unique to you and nobody else; so if you block that there is not going to be another medium to which that expression is going to express itself; and what you are doing is that you are denying the world to experience that through the art that never was. This is the perspective I have from my experience being a new author. The title of my book is “This Is Your Quest” http://www.authorjoannereed.net. Most people are afraid of failure, in your case you are afraid of success because it could potentially mean a loss of love?! The way I see it, anybody who loves you, should love you for all you are for your brilliance and also for your insecurities, for your successes and also for your failures. The whole lot.
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