Storm Clouds

There is a storm out in the bay, stirring up the sea. The water is multicoloured – brown from sediment, blue from the sun, and black under the clouds. There is also a storm raging in me, and the waters are just as murky, dark and rough.

Just like the sea, there is a shadow in my mind. I can’t see the cloud that is creating it, but I feel the cold as it blocks out the sun and sends a shiver down my spine. Like the black patches on the stormy waters, you don’t need to see the cloud that creates it to know that it is there.

I look up to see the cause of my shadow only to have that cloud vanish, yet I feel its effects throughout my life. The idea that this horror was part of my life is unbearable. That an act of such violation and degradation could be part of my experience is beyond me.

But how do you fight a shadow? I lunge at it and I go straight through it. I cannot cut it away, shatter it, or even grasp it. The event has long passed and all that remains is this remnant, and the opportunity to fight is gone. It is hidden away in the attic, leaving a beautiful lie so that my mind can continue in perfect denial.

I see the trail of pain left behind by this. I am fearful that it may affect the decisions I make today, so I have hit the pause button on areas of my life.

The question is: how do you move past something that can’t be seen, but that has been simmering away for most of your life?

This is not something I want to define my future. Life is too short and precious to dwell on such a negative energy.

Maybe it is as simple as facing the shadow, blessing it and embracing it? Can I love this shadow? Can I soothe this shadow? Can I give it the comfort it needed on that fateful night? And when I have poured out all the love in my heart, can I release it into the care of the angels who will transform it from lead into gold?

Can I calm the storm and stop myself from drowning? Will the clouds part and turn the waters blue again? I cannot know the answers to these questions until I return from the fold.

So today I walk boldly into the shadows, and pray that the angels and their alchemist are at my side…

Storm photo by Stein Egil Liland from Pexels
Angel photo by Rakicevic Nenad from Pexels

11 thoughts on “Storm Clouds”

Inner turmoil is never easy to understand let alone try to appease. When you don’t know how to handle the whirlwind of emotions because ones not quite sure what it is. But I do know one thing, we learn how to identify and deal with the uncertainty of some of our feelings. Stay strong Wendy 🤗💜

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WendyMaddison on September 28, 2020 at 9:54 am said:

Thanks, Hun. That is very reassuring to hear 💚 I hope you are keeping well. It has been such a strange and difficult year for everyone!

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Evolution of Self on December 3, 2020 at 11:07 pm said:

Never easy riding the constant Roller Coaster

Defeat doesn’t define you but how you respond to adversity that matters

laus dia I do thrus Huntress

https://evolutionofselffeedyourhunger.wordpress.com/2020/11/30/highway-of-broken-memories

Nollaig Shona duit a Dhia leat

Alex

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Hello its nice to see your back on here and how has everything been going?

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WendyMaddison on September 29, 2020 at 6:44 pm said:

Hi. This year has been so full on! I started my own business, had my mother stay with me for a couple of months during our covid lockdown, and many more things. I’ve missed blogging and reading everyone elses blogs, so I’m trying now to put some time aside for more of that. How are you going? Interesting times for all!!

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